My mom is so annoying!

[SandyStar]

I usually wear my hair up so I guess she just doesn't normally notice how long my hair is, but today I wore it down in a ponytail after getting home from work and my mom was all over me about *needing* to cut my hair.

She said I need to cut my hair because it is freakishly long, ugly and makes it look like I'm an aboriginal person. What the heck is wrong with looking aboriginal? She makes it sound like it's an insult and frankly I feel insulted she feels this way.

My mom totally frys her hair every few months with a perm and I prefer her naturally pin straight hair. I don't go telling her to *not* perm her hair because I realize it is something she likes to do.

Ugh. I like my long hair. She likes to tell me how ugly it is, that men won't like me because of it, that I need to dress more like a lady.

I don't feel any need to impress men right now. I just dress the way I like.

I told her that long hair is fashionable right now, to try to change her mind. I even pointed out all the celebrities who wear long hair extensions, but she said that it was different. She said that's fake hair and plus those celebrities need to have a certain look. Sigh. LOL

My Mom and I are just so different from each other. She never understands me. I respect that she's different, why can't she respect my views?

Ugh. Sorry venting. LOL I love her, but she is a pain sometimes. LOL

[theemeraldskull]

Argh, I can definitely understand your aggravation at that! Hair is a very personal subject, and it's not up to someone to tell someone ELSE how to do their hair. Besides, judging from your profile picture, your hair is GORGEOUS and if you were trying to attract men, I think it would do an ample job at that. :-D

Anyways, perhaps take a stand and state you'd rather not hear the negative comments, as your hair is your business, not hers? In any case, don't mind it... your hair is lovely!

[CurlyCap]

Just do what you want and let her stew in her crazy. They'll get over it...eventually.

My mom loves me, but I spent my entire childhood with her trying to "tame" my hair into nice waves while she went out and got the most horrendous poodle perms ever. But she had a vision for my hair, and even to this day she'll comment that I "should try to brush my hair".

Some people just don't get it. Oh well.

[TheMechaGinger]

I have an aunt just like this so I've taken to making sure I wear my hair my hair down when she's around :]

[bunnylake]

If your mother is constantly putting down your appearance, that's abusive, in my opinion, and you do not have to tolerate it. It's your hair, your body, your choice. Not hers. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[SandyStar]

Thanks, she doesn't seem to get the hint. I don't know if it is because of our different cultures or whatever, but she doesn't seem to understand the concept of personal space, privacy or "own business" LOL.

I'm probably just going to wear my hair up around her from now on.

[SandyStar]

Well, probably not truly abusive because she doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't even think she understands that comments like that can hurt.

It's like of like how she used to call me fat and wouldn't understand why I got all upset over it. I was sensitive to comments like that when I was younger due to poor self image, but thankfully I don't have that anymore and those comments roll off my back. Actually she doesn't even mention it now, maybe she's just accepted I'll never be slim.

Strangely she had less of a problem with my hair when I went through a phase of dying a strand pink then blue.

She just hates long hair I guess.

[ravenreed]

As someone who was actually abused enough to end up in the foster care system, I hate the way the term "abusive" gets thrown around over every little thing. What her mom did was rude, not abusive from what I read.

OP: You can just walk away from the conversation, or change the subject. After a while, your mom should take the hint.



If your mother is constantly putting down your appearance, that's abusive, in my opinion, and you do not have to tolerate it. It's your hair, your body, your choice. Not hers. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[SandyStar]

Well, probably not truly abusive because she doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't even think she understands that comments like that can hurt.

It's like of like how she used to call me fat and wouldn't understand why I got all upset over it. I was sensitive to comments like that when I was younger due to poor self image, but thankfully I don't have that anymore and those comments roll off my back. Actually she doesn't even mention it now, maybe she's just accepted I'll never be slim.

Strangely she had less of a problem with my hair when I went through a phase of dying a strand pink then blue.

She just hates long hair I guess.

[spidermom]

Weird! Some people seem to take it as a personal insult when you are different from them.

"How about you wear your hair how you like it and I wear my hair how I like it?"

[bunnylake]

As someone who was actually abused enough to end up in the foster care system, I hate the way the term "abusive" gets thrown around over every little thing. What her mom did was rude, not abusive from what I read.

OP: You can just walk away from the conversation, or change the subject. After a while, your mom should take the hint.

Ok, over-sharing time!
I am not someone who throws that term around at all, as I have suffered emotional and psychological abuse for the majority of my life. My abuser was constantly putting me down, and it lead me to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. I guess when I hear that someones parent is calling them "ugly", it reminds me of my own experience. I do feel it is emotionally abusive for a parent to repeatedly tell their child that they are undesirable because of how they look. I did not mean to offend anyone by my comment!

[bunnylake]

Well, probably not truly abusive because she doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't even think she understands that comments like that can hurt.

It's like of like how she used to call me fat and wouldn't understand why I got all upset over it. I was sensitive to comments like that when I was younger due to poor self image, but thankfully I don't have that anymore and those comments roll off my back. Actually she doesn't even mention it now, maybe she's just accepted I'll never be slim.

Strangely she had less of a problem with my hair when I went through a phase of dying a strand pink then blue.

She just hates long hair I guess.

Do you tell her how it makes you feel? Maybe she just doesn't understand that it actually hurts your feelings. You could try talking to her about it.

[ravenreed]

Parents often feel it is part of their duty to help their children be 'presentable,' whatever that means to them, but that often doesn't end when the child reaches adulthood. I know I nag my adult sons about their decisions to wear clothing that a homeless person would probably pass up as being too ratty. It actually hurts my feelings sometimes because as I tell them, they look like no one loves them enough to buy them clothes without huge holes! OTOH, they sometimes fuss at me about things I wear for entirely different reasons.

I think there is a big difference about nagging a child/adult child about their looks because you are trying to help them versus actually trying to destroy their self-esteem. KWIM? Not that I agree with how the OP's mom is going about it... It sounds really hurtful and inappropriate. However, once you are an adult, as the OP is, you really have the option to walk away from any conversation, unless your life is in danger. It takes two to have a conversation!





Ok, over-sharing time!
I am not someone who throws that term around at all, as I have suffered emotional and psychological abuse for the majority of my life. My abuser was constantly putting me down, and it lead me to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. I guess when I hear that someones parent is calling them "ugly", it reminds me of my own experience. I do feel it is emotionally abusive for a parent to repeatedly tell their child that they are undesirable because of how they look. I did not mean to offend anyone by my comment!

[KwaveT]

My dad does the same thing to me. Yes I have point blank told him that his comments hurt me. I explained that his words are like a dagger into my heart. He gave me a blank look after I told him this. I think he is like a lot of men in that he doesn't know how to express his feelings nor how to listen to somebody else express theirs. I don't meet his image of what he thinks a man should be. He does everything from belittling me to flinging sissy barbs. He tells me everything from I lift like a girl (if I can't lift something I am not going to hurt myself trying) to that I look like a queer to calling me Mrs. our last name. I think he calls himself trying to motivate me to change and knows no other way to do so rather than accepting that I am different. I have had to learn to detach myself from his comments. I really do get it. I also think my parents think it is their obligation to force my appearance to be such that no one can ever judge me. I don't care what you do somebody is not going to like something about you. You can't make everybody like you.

[lunalocks]

Is it possible to sit down and have a talk with her? You can tell her how much it hurts your feelings when she says these negative things and it is not helpful, and that you respect her decisions about her own appearance and you would like her to do the same for you.

Some years ago I had my mother AND mother in law bugging me about a particular thing (not hair related) and had this talk with my mom. She actually called my mother in law and let her know about our conversation and they both agreed to lay off. And they did.

[dulce]

My late mom was exactly like that,she belonged to the dye,perm and keep short till you die.That generation valued this type of look and felt this was the only way to go.But you are entitled to wear your hair how you please.At some point you may have to tell her that and make it unnegotiable for further discussion .

[SandyStar]

I wish I could have a real talk about these things with my mom but there is a huge language barrier between us. She never really bothered to learn much English and she was always working when I was little. She never talked to me much as a child and as a result I can only speak her language like a 5 year

[SandyStar]

I wish I could have a meaningful conversation with my mom about these things but it's really hard to because of language barrier issues. My mom never really bothered to learn English. When I was growing up my parents were working all the time and when they were around they didn't talk to me much. As a result I can barely speak their language. I just don't have enough vocabulary to express complex thoughts with them. I may have to resort to using Google translate to express my self properly. Plus we are from different cultures. I'm not sure she would understand either way.

[spidermom]

Too bad you understand her language well enough to know what she's saying.

[Tota]

Oh that really is annoying. My grandma is like that. What I do when she starts talking about my hair is to calmly and kindly repeat the sentence "I like my hair this way" in different variants as long as it's needed. I learned over the years that this way I avoid arguments and unwanted bad feelings (grandma can get mad quickly if people don't do as she says) and stay true to myself at the same time.

Like this:

Her: Your hair is so thin and boring, you should cut it.
Me: I like it this way.
Her: The neighbourg's daughter went to a salon and she has such a cute pixie, she looks like such a nice lady now.
Me: I like my hair the way it is.
Her: What about a cute bob you had when you were little, I will pay for the hairdresser if you go.
Me: Thanks, but I prefer my hair this way.
Her: You should at least cut off 2 inches to get rid of split ends.
Me: Not at the moment, thank you.
Her: But -
Me: Hey, grandma, how about those cool blue roses you have in the garden, those are awesome!
Her: Blablabla roses, blue roses, totally awesome blue roses, yadyadayada ... (she's a very passionate gardener hehehe).

[LoveAngelBeauty]

What culture is your mom from, Sandystar? I always hate it when people ask me if I speak the language when I tell them where my family is from and I have to say no, I wasn't taught.

[Dang3rousB3auty]

Moms seem to always have to make some rude remarks about your life... my mom does it..even my grandma does it. They "think" they are helping you somehow, but in reality it hurts your feelings. Or they say stuff that is completely obvious to you, but they act like you are an idiot. I am just glad I don't live at home anymore, so I only have to be with my mom in small doses and I actually enjoy her company. My mom's mom used to call her fat and said she has a huge butt..and let me tell you, that stuck with my mom her whole life. I hope when I have kids I will not make comments like that to them :/

I told a friend of mine I wanted to grow my hair to my waist and he immediately said "ewwwwww, I hope you are joking". I don't see what is ew about long hair lol..unless you don't care of it, then long hair is beautiful.

[Dang3rousB3auty]

ugh the double post monster bit me...

[Deborah]

Your hair is simply beautiful! I don't see how anyone could think otherwise.

In any case, if she keeps at it, just tell her that you appreciate her concern for you, but that you like your hair long, and that at 30 years of age you feel you are old enough to decide how to wear your own hair.

[HEY未来]

Yes, you are thirty. Ignore it. Can you find out how to say, "Yeah mom, I really don't care. Drop it."

I mean c'mon.. either that or ignore her and maybe she might get the hint.

[SandyStar]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'll just say, "I like it this way" as a response and not get defensive about it. That just makes things worse.

My parents are from China and when they grew up it was a very different culture from the West. I don't know about now though, I think the younger people in China are very much influenced by the West.

Yeah, it is a bit annoying when people ask me where I'm from. I say I'm from California and then they say, "oh I mean what is your ethnic background". LOL

I'm kind of afraid of how my family will react if my hair gets much longer. My goal is to reach terminal so it could be very long indeed. LOL

Oh well. I just know that I reaching terminal just once in my life is something I really want to do.

[Kelikea]

I guess I am lucky in that my mom likes long hair. Her mom always bugged her about cutting it, so she doesn't mind whatever my sister and I do with ours, even though she prefers long hair. She did, however use to give my a hard time about my clothes. I worked in a gym, so wore athletic-type clothing most of the time. Then, my female friend and I would sometimes go out after work, sometimes still dressed in our gym clothes, sometimes not. But, my usual style was kinda sporty anyway. She used to tell me that the reason I didn't ever get asked out was because of the way I dressed and people assumed my friend and I were lesbians. I think that's total bs, insulting to lesbians, and to everyone else, including me. Who judges people like that? Moms can be so annoying;)

[hermosamendoza]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'll just say, "I like it this way" as a response and not get defensive about it. That just makes things worse.

My parents are from China and when they grew up it was a very different culture from the West. I don't know about now though, I think the younger people in China are very much influenced by the West.

Yeah, it is a bit annoying when people ask me where I'm from. I say I'm from California and then they say, "oh I mean what is your ethnic background". LOL

I'm kind of afraid of how my family will react if my hair gets much longer. My goal is to reach terminal so it could be very long indeed. LOL

Oh well. I just know that I reaching terminal just once in my life is something I really want to do.

I always thought Asians liked longer hair in general??? Not meaning to offend any asians who don't. Most of the women I know (in person) from Japan, Thailand, and China love long hair!


Moms seem to always have to make some rude remarks about your life... my mom does it..even my grandma does it. They "think" they are helping you somehow, but in reality it hurts your feelings. Or they say stuff that is completely obvious to you, but they act like you are an idiot. I am just glad I don't live at home anymore, so I only have to be with my mom in small doses and I actually enjoy her company. My mom's mom used to call her fat and said she has a huge butt..and let me tell you, that stuck with my mom her whole life. I hope when I have kids I will not make comments like that to them :/

I told a friend of mine I wanted to grow my hair to my waist and he immediately said "ewwwwww, I hope you are joking". I don't see what is ew about long hair lol..unless you don't care of it, then long hair is beautiful.

I don't get what's ewww about long hair either....somehow it's associated with unclean prairie hair or something???? I actually had a guy snap at me when I said I love long hair. He said "why cause your bible says you have to have long hair?" uhhh no...because it's so feminine and beautiful and I feel beautiful with longer hair.....


Just do what you want and let her stew in her crazy. They'll get over it...eventually.

My mom loves me, but I spent my entire childhood with her trying to "tame" my hair into nice waves while she went out and got the most horrendous poodle perms ever. But she had a vision for my hair, and even to this day she'll comment that I "should try to brush my hair".

Some people just don't get it. Oh well.

WWAHHHHHH!!! your hair is GORGEOUS!! It is lovely and enviable!!!

[hermosamendoza]

....snipped...
She said I need to cut my hair because it is freakishly long, ugly and makes it look like I'm an aboriginal person. What the heck is wrong with looking aboriginal? She makes it sound like it's an insult and frankly I feel insulted she feels this way. ...snipped....


I waited until I read everything but I think she means by "aboriginal" is indigenous....the exact word "aboriginal" (after a google search) is what they call native australians...but here in the US they used to call native americans something similar to that word....she's trying to insult you and call you wild and untamed...but if anything that's a pretty cool word to describe your hair...wild untamed beauty!

if that makes sense lol

[Alun]

My mum doesn't like long hair either. I used to think it was because she didn't like men to have long hair, but it isn't. She doesn't like it on anyone.

What can I say? I sympathise.

[ravenreed]

My sons don't like long hair either. However, they are entitled to that opinion and they never make me feel badly about having long hair, so it doesn't hurt my feelings. They simply expressed a preference.


My mum doesn't like long hair either. I used to think it was because she didn't like men to have long hair, but it isn't. She doesn't like it on anyone.

What can I say? I sympathise.

[and]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'll just say, "I like it this way" as a response and not get defensive about it. That just makes things worse.

My parents are from China and when they grew up it was a very different culture from the West. I don't know about now though, I think the younger people in China are very much influenced by the West.

Yeah, it is a bit annoying when people ask me where I'm from. I say I'm from California and then they say, "oh I mean what is your ethnic background". LOL

I'm kind of afraid of how my family will react if my hair gets much longer. My goal is to reach terminal so it could be very long indeed. LOL

Oh well. I just know that I reaching terminal just once in my life is something I really want to do.

I understand now. My husband is Chinese and my MIL is about the age of your parents. The older generations had such a hard time keeping their hair healthy that they equate length with people who couldn't take care of themselves or the nomadic tribes that weren't really "proper" Chinese. The younger generations love longer hair, but most gals I see on the street here in Beijing stop at BSL.

Good gravy boats, I'm American with European/Scandinavian roots and my hair is just below shoulder length. Dear MIL has decided that because I had pixie hair when we first met that I have to cut my hair back to that point. I'm just telling her that I love my hair the way it is and I'm growing it out. My husband loves it longer. :D

When visiting, I just pull it back and out of the way to keep her attention off my hair and we talk about other things.

Hugs to you!

[Dragon Faery]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I'll just say, "I like it this way" as a response and not get defensive about it. That just makes things worse.

My parents are from China and when they grew up it was a very different culture from the West. I don't know about now though, I think the younger people in China are very much influenced by the West.

Yeah, it is a bit annoying when people ask me where I'm from. I say I'm from California and then they say, "oh I mean what is your ethnic background". LOL

I'm kind of afraid of how my family will react if my hair gets much longer. My goal is to reach terminal so it could be very long indeed. LOL

Oh well. I just know that I reaching terminal just once in my life is something I really want to do.

Aww that's annoying. :(

I've noticed that the friends I have who have asian parents are usually being nagged about something. Isn't it tradition in asian (and other) cultures to respect the elders (parents, grandparents, etc) more than in the west? That background, coupled with the fact that the two of you barely speak the same language, maybe makes her feel like she's losing you? Complaining about your hair might be one of the ways she chooses to express this.

I hope your journey to terminal is in all other ways enjoyable. Your hair is beautiful. :)

[riceball]

How annoying. You ARE an adult though, so why does it matter so much what your mom says to do with your hair? I get it, it offends you, but in life there are so many offensive things you just have to confront people about and then leave it at that. If you tell your mom how her unwanted comments make you feel, and she keeps harassing you, then the best you can really do is ignore those comments and not let them affect you.

I feel lucky my mom left me and my hair alone for the most part while I did every imaginable crazy thing to it- dreadlocks, bleach, pink, blue, green, long, pixie, henna...the list goes on. She just kinda shakes her head and goes about with her chemically relaxed hair. And I go about with my rather fried colored hair. We live and let live, which I am grateful for.

[riceball]

I've noticed that the friends I have who have asian parents are usually being nagged about something. Isn't it tradition in asian (and other) cultures to respect the elders (parents, grandparents, etc) more than in the west? That background, coupled with the fact that the two of you barely speak the same language, maybe makes her feel like she's losing you? Complaining about your hair might be one of the ways she chooses to express this.


This may be very true. I think it's natural for a parent to feel that way.

I do have something to add though: Asia is a huge and diverse place. I really don't think there is a very consistent asian "culture" the way others think there is. My mom is from Japan and she has been very liberal and non-traditional about things in general. Sometimes she comments on how fried my hair is, and to quit abusing it, but that's about it (and I agree!). Growing up, I was probably given more freedom than most American kids. Yes, there is a need to respect and be considerate of one's family but I think that's about the same in many cultures worldwide. Everyone in my Japanese family does what they want when it comes to their appearance and career choices and we respect whatever that may be. And I think the country as a whole is going in this direction. In short, I really don't think all asian cultures are as conservative and narrow than others may think.

[DancingQueen]

Luckyly, I havent gotten any comments like that yet (but my hair is only just past APL). But I think if I grow it further than hip, people might start to talk.

[Miss Catrina]

Funny she's telling you to dress more like a lady, AND get your hair cut shorter... Traditionally, the two kinda go together...

[jacqueline101]

I'd tell her the comments hurt your feelings.

[Applegirl84]

That's too bad she's not more accepting. My mom has referred to my hair as "Laura Ingalls" hair before, but more as a joke.

My sisters sometimes say things like "I liked yor hair shorter" or "if you cut it, it will look thicker" blah bla blah, but at the same time they are both constantly saying they're growing THEIR hair out. Silly

[chen bao jun]

My mom was the first person to fry my hair, very needlessly--well maybe not needlessly but it annoys me that she realized she was frying it. She had no time with 3 other children and combing my hair was torture every morning, so she decided frying it might make life easier, even though many, many people told her that my hair was not the sort that 'needed' straightening (not that anybody's really does, but it was the 1960's). My father actually begged her not to do it, it was all very traumatic.
However, nowadays she's mellowed (she's over 80 and jsut so much more relaxed) and she has many times how delighted she is that I have my hair back and that it was not permanently ruined, and she has expressed pride in my ability to take care of it.
Bonus: she lets me do her hair, too, when she's around.

[melusine963]

Guys, this thread is a year old. Does the OP really want it to be dredged up again?

[lapushka]

Guys, this thread is a year old. Does the OP really want it to be dredged up again?

Sheesh, what's with these old threads that are popping up all of a sudden, and it's one poster doing this!

[sarahthegemini]

My Mum is annoying too, she keeps saying "you're putting way too much stuff on your hair!" ... Er no, it's just conditioner, "the idea is you use ONE conditioner" ... Erm no, again, that's your idea! Grrr.