Should I heat style for him?

[BrightEyes]

My husband and I had a conversation a few weeks ago that keeps nagging me. So I thought I would ask for some opinions.

My DH is a very good and loving man (I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of his love and devotion to me, I don't doubt his feelings and care for me) but for some reason he isn't very fond of my long hair goals. When we met and fell in love my hair was in a chin-length a-line bob (yes, the same thing as I have now lol). In the past 8 years that we have been married I have made various attempts to grow it. He has told me that I should "do what I want with my hair", then in the same breath tells me he prefers it short. When I do cut it short he adores it, while I immediately regret it. He's just one of the few men who like short hair.

Since I've known him the longest I've grown my hair has been to 2-3 inches past my shoulders (still short to LHC's standards, but long to me). At that time I was heat styling my hair regularly and he seemed to like it all right. Ironically, since joining the LHC I haven't been able to get it even that long again.

But coming here and learning about better hair care has helped me significantly reduce how often I heat style (from every other day to 1-2 times a month). The condition of my hair has improved a lot.

A few weeks ago we were talking about my hair and he told me that he actually did like my hair when I had gotten it past my shoulders.....and when I was heat styling it regularly. After prodding him further, he told me that he prefers my hair when it is blow dried and flat ironed. He was careful to point out that I am always beautiful. But he does like my hair straight and with volume. I showed him a picture of me with almost APL hair that was heat styled. He said "That's really pretty and it would look great a little longer like that". Of course then he had to add "But you look awesome with short hair!!".

I've tried explaining to him the damage heat styling does and my goals. But it basically goes in one ear and out the other (he is a short-haired man afterall:rolleyes:). And to be honest, I do like my hair straight and smooth. But I am more than ever aware of the damage it does and have wanted to at least reduce it.

I know that I need to do what I feel is best for my hair, and what makes ME happy. But to be completely honest, I do want to look pretty to my hubby. His opinion of my appearance matters to me, maybe a little too much. But it does. And I do feel pretty when my hair is straightened and smooth.

So what would you do, LHC? Would you heat style for the man/woman in your life if they preferred it? Would you make a comprise, say heat style once a week? Or would you lovingly tell them to stuff it?:D

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading:)

[BrightEyes]

Oops, I meant heat style. Stupid auto-spell:o

Is it possible for a mod to fix that?

[Wildcat Diva]

I like it how he said that you are always beautiful. It is just hair. There is more to you than hair. I am sure that he will be able to deal with whatever you decide to do. I don't know your lifestyle, but for me I am only really "doing my hair" to go out on a date with hubby once in a while. The rest of the time we are working and running and cleaning up and going to our kid's activities. So for me, I would do my hair like I wanted most of the time, and if I was going on a special date with hubby, I might try to style it in a way I knew he liked just for him. Of course if it comes to length, this might not apply (unless you do a wig, HA!)

We were going out last night (to a club) and I had washed and scrunched my hair, trying to get more curl and volume. I left it down.

Hubby says,"ummmm... are you about ready to go, like with your hair and makeup and all that?"

I say "why, what's up? Does it look bad?"

Hubby says "no no no. It's just that you usually have been doing all your hair up in a bun things."

I say, "no, I'm wearing it down."

Hubby says "Oh, ok."

He must have liked it, because I sure did get a lot of positive attention from him later on that evening, not the least of which was him telling how beautiful I was!:eyebrows:

[BrightEyes]

I like it how he said that you are always beautiful. It is just hair. There is more to you than hair. I am sure that he will be able to deal with whatever you decide to do. I don't know your lifestyle, but for me I am only really "doing my hair" to go out on a date with hubby once in a while. The rest of the time we are working and running and cleaning up and going to our kid's activities. So for me, I would do my hair like I wanted most of the time, and if I was going on a special date with hubby, I might try to style it in a way I knew he liked just for him. Of course if it comes to length, this might not apply (unless you do a wig, HA!)

We were going out last night (to a club) and I had washed and scrunched my hair, trying to get more curl and volume. I left it down.

Hubby says,"ummmm... are you about ready to go, like with your hair and makeup and all that?"

I say "why, what's up? Does it look bad?"

Hubby says "no no no. It's just that you usually have been doing all your hair up in a bun things."

I say, "no, I'm wearing it down."

Hubby says "Oh, ok."

He must have liked it, because I sure did get a lot of positive attention from him later on that evening, not the least of which how beautiful I was!:eyebrows:

LOL , that's cute.

Yes, he does think I am beautiful as a person. I'm grateful to know that I am not just a head of hair to him. But I do want to look good for him too. I like your suggestion of saving the styling for dates and special times with him.

Thank you:)

[FrozenBritannia]

Its possible he just hasn't seen it long and not heat styled before. It looks like your hair is fairly straight anyways, you may be able to do the non heat straightening method of wrapping (I think that is what it is called?).

[kittengirl]

I wouldn't heat style for DH. I would try to find something else he liked, but i would not change my healthy hair routine unless he had a huge problem with it. For example, I know he prefers it down but I always wear it up because I prefer it and so does my hair.

[torrilin]

My partner-creature likes my hair down bestest. I don't. I'm a finey, and until very recently, my hair floated so much when worn down that it was really horrible and unpleasant and ew ew ew. Now that my hair is solidly past my elbows and starting to actually cover my entire waist... it no longer cheerfully levitates. It sorta stays put. So he's getting to see it down more. But more doesn't mean lots :D. Because the thing he likes better than pretty hair hanging down is not hearing me whine about my hair... and I will whine if I get tangles.

IMO, relationships are about compromise. Individually, he and I are fairly different in some ways. Other ways, we're really similar. Finding a balance and really listening to each other leads to us being happier and better people.

[whylime13]

I'm wrestling with some of the same issues. When I had bobbed hair my husband would ask me to grow it long. My problem is that I've had him help me measure the last 2 months to check my hair growth, and I told him about my goal to grow to waist. And now he says "it's perfect where it is now, don't grow it out any longer" :( I'm doing it for me, but I liked to think that he would like it too.

My hair right now is the longest it's been in the 8 years he's known me, so I think he just can't imagine it otherwise. So I'm just going to keep growing it, and hopefully it will grow on him.

Maybe you can just do what you were planning to do with your hair, and find out that he loves it.

[longNred]

Personally, I'd tell my hb to stuff it. My hair is my hair. He can either love it, or love it. Those are his options. He chose to marry the feisty red head though, so he's well aware of this. When I "do" my hair, I don't do it for him. I do it for me. And when I have amazing hair, I feel amazing, and THAT is what my hb is attracted to, the intensely confident happy person with rockin hair. So no, I wouldn't heat style FOR anyone but me.

[BrightEyes]

Wow, you've all given great advice. Thank you:)


Its possible he just hasn't seen it long and not heat styled before. It looks like your hair is fairly straight anyways, you may be able to do the non heat straightening method of wrapping (I think that is what it is called?).

No, he hasn't seen it long before. My hair is fairly straight, it does have some wave to it.

I've assumed wrapping is best for longer hair, but maybe I was wrong. My hair is an inch long in the back and about 2 1/2 inches long in the front. I think when he says "styled" he means he likes my hair when it is straight with the ends turned under and with volume throughout. The whole "done with every hair in place" look. I don't know if wrapping will give me that. But if I can get the technique down he may like it. Thank you:)


I wouldn't heat style for DH. I would try to find something else he liked, but i would not change my healthy hair routine unless he had a huge problem with it. For example, I know he prefers it down but I always wear it up because I prefer it and so does my hair.

Thank you. I wish I had your confidence to do what I want and not worry what others think. I'm sure my hair would thank me for it. I'm working on it:D


My partner-creature likes my hair down bestest. I don't. I'm a finey, and until very recently, my hair floated so much when worn down that it was really horrible and unpleasant and ew ew ew. Now that my hair is solidly past my elbows and starting to actually cover my entire waist... it no longer cheerfully levitates. It sorta stays put. So he's getting to see it down more. But more doesn't mean lots :D. Because the thing he likes better than pretty hair hanging down is not hearing me whine about my hair... and I will whine if I get tangles.

IMO, relationships are about compromise. Individually, he and I are fairly different in some ways. Other ways, we're really similar. Finding a balance and really listening to each other leads to us being happier and better people.

Haha, yes I definitely have floaty hair too. If I leave it down to do it's own thing without trying to style it someway it just floats all over the place.

I like what you said, that relationships are about compromise. I think I may need to work with him on finding one with my hair. He does like it when I curl my hair with Caruso steam rollers, although not as much as when I straighten it. He may need to be content with that:D


I'm wrestling with some of the same issues. When I had bobbed hair my husband would ask me to grow it long. My problem is that I've had him help me measure the last 2 months to check my hair growth, and I told him about my goal to grow to waist. And now he says "it's perfect where it is now, don't grow it out any longer" :( I'm doing it for me, but I liked to think that he would like it too.

My hair right now is the longest it's been in the 8 years he's known me, so I think he just can't imagine it otherwise. So I'm just going to keep growing it, and hopefully it will grow on him.

Maybe you can just do what you were planning to do with your hair, and find out that he loves it.

My husband is the same way! My original goal was BSL, but now I want to really grow to WL (my goal is typed as MBL, but I really do want WL). When I told him my dream of waist length hair he said "Oh no, that's too long". He then touched where APL is on my back and said "that is the longest you should grow".

Meh:rolleyes:


Personally, I'd tell my hb to stuff it. My hair is my hair. He can either love it, or love it. Those are his options. He chose to marry the feisty red head though, so he's well aware of this. When I "do" my hair, I don't do it for him. I do it for me. And when I have amazing hair, I feel amazing, and THAT is what my hb is attracted to, the intensely confident happy person with rockin hair. So no, I wouldn't heat style FOR anyone but me.

Haha!! I like this:D Thank you!

[Soulina]

My spouse woud like me to have short bob. My hair has been that short last time when I was aroud 2 years of age. He also woud like to be bald.

I have hiplenght hair, and he has waist lenght hair. And he keeps his hair long just becouse I want him to. He also has fullbeard, but he did not want to shave his beard everyday, becouse his skin got irritated, so I told him to grow it out, even he likes it thou, just maybe not as much as I.

[BrightEyes]

My spouse woud like me to have short bob. My hair has been that short last time when I was aroud 2 years of age. He also woud like to be bald.

I have hiplenght hair, and he has waist lenght hair. And he keeps his hair long just becouse I want him to. He also has fullbeard, but he did not want to shave his beard everyday, becouse his skin got irritated, so I told him to grow it out, even he likes it thou, just maybe not as much as I.

That's cute that you both have long hair:)

Has he told you why he wants you to have a short bob? I think it's neat though that you have still kept your hair long.

[SerinaDaith]

My DH likes about a chin length bob himself, I did chop there to start my long hair journy and he liked it but he knows that I am going to grow long now. I am also going dye free which is a big change and working out regularly he says he loves me how I am so I playfully tell him I am not doing this for him I am doing it for myself. Now he will tell me how hot my calves look and how skinny I am getting which is good since I don't see it at all.

[Soulina]

My spouse has even shown me pictures of hair he woud like me to have. But he has given up, becouse he knows what long hair means to me, and knows I woud never cut my hair shorter voluntearly, and I woud not be happy with short hair.

[Mesmerise]

I simply don't discuss my hair with my husband. I do my thing and he does his ;). He once said (years and years ago) that he would like me with a spiral perm... OMG NO!!!!!! Needless to say, he has never seen me with such a style and never, EVER will! Honestly though, he's seen me with long hair and short hair, blonde hair, brown hair, black hair and red hair. He did tell me I looked like Morticia Addams with black hair lol... however a lot of people thought it was natural (despite my pale, freckled skin... weird).

So... how I have my hair is my business. I wouldn't be happy if I styled it for some man, no matter how much I loved him. After all, I'd rather him accept ME as I am, hair and all! I'm the one who has to live with my hair, and while he has to look at it, as long as it's not hideous it shouldn't bother him, you know.

I will no longer heat straighten my hair (and even *I* think it looks its best that way) because I'm trying to grow my hair long and healthy, and heat straightening ruined my hair.

I have never discussed how long I want my hair with my husband, and as it's a process that takes time, he can just adapt as I go ;).

[Ambystoma]

I've assumed wrapping is best for longer hair, but maybe I was wrong. My hair is an inch long in the back and about 2 1/2 inches long in the front. I think when he says "styled" he means he likes my hair when it is straight with the ends turned under and with volume throughout. The whole "done with every hair in place" look. I don't know if wrapping will give me that. But if I can get the technique down he may like it. Thank you:)




You're going to love wrapping if this is the look you want! Mine looks like I've blow waved it with mousse and a round brush when I do it. I think now is the best time to learn the technique too since it's not easy and all the ladies I saw on youtube tutorials had SL or shorter hair which might make it easier?

My DH likes my hair with that 1a "sheet of hair" flatironed look best, so once every blue moon I'll wear it that way for a special occasion since I know he loves it but 99% of the time my hair is for me :) He wasn't sure on me going dye free either since he liked the soft black/dark brown I used to colour it but he said he liked my "auburn tresses" the other day - I didn't even know he knew that word :laugh: Now to convince him Classic length won't look "freaky"... I guess partners don't like the idea of a change in how you look since they already think you're the most beautiful person in the world so any change would be bad?

[BrightEyes]

My DH likes about a chin length bob himself, I did chop there to start my long hair journy and he liked it but he knows that I am going to grow long now. I am also going dye free which is a big change and working out regularly he says he loves me how I am so I playfully tell him I am not doing this for him I am doing it for myself. Now he will tell me how hot my calves look and how skinny I am getting which is good since I don't see it at all.

Aww, your DH is sweet.

Good for you for taking time to care for yourself:) That is something I need to be better at. I am still trying to get to a place where I am growing and caring for my hair for ME and me alone. I have this fear that I will look ugly in my DH's eyes with long hair, which doesn't even make sense. He tells me I am beautiful. I need to work on believing it.




My spouse has even shown me pictures of hair he woud like me to have. But he has given up, becouse he knows what long hair means to me, and knows I woud never cut my hair shorter voluntearly, and I woud not be happy with short hair.

I hope my DH gives up too:D

[BrightEyes]

I simply don't discuss my hair with my husband. I do my thing and he does his ;). He once said (years and years ago) that he would like me with a spiral perm... OMG NO!!!!!! Needless to say, he has never seen me with such a style and never, EVER will! Honestly though, he's seen me with long hair and short hair, blonde hair, brown hair, black hair and red hair. He did tell me I looked like Morticia Addams with black hair lol... however a lot of people thought it was natural (despite my pale, freckled skin... weird).

So... how I have my hair is my business. I wouldn't be happy if I styled it for some man, no matter how much I loved him. After all, I'd rather him accept ME as I am, hair and all! I'm the one who has to live with my hair, and while he has to look at it, as long as it's not hideous it shouldn't bother him, you know.

I will no longer heat straighten my hair (and even *I* think it looks its best that way) because I'm trying to grow my hair long and healthy, and heat straightening ruined my hair.

I have never discussed how long I want my hair with my husband, and as it's a process that takes time, he can just adapt as I go ;).

Thank you:)

My DH has actually told me that he gets tired of me asking him about my hair:o I really do ask him too much about what he wants me to do. I need to just do what I want.

I do need to stop talking to him about my hair, period. It just discourages me. But that is what LHC is for:D

[SerinaDaith]

Aww, your DH is sweet.

Good for you for taking time to care for yourself:) That is something I need to be better at. I am still trying to get to a place where I am growing and caring for my hair for ME and me alone. I have this fear that I will look ugly in my DH's eyes with long hair, which doesn't even make sense. He tells me I am beautiful. I need to work on believing it.


I am going to butcher the quote because it has been years since I read it but I hold it close to my heart. It is from a Lois McMaster Bujold book in the Vorcosigan series. The scene is wife walking down the staris dressed for a formal event, as she is feeling nervous and rather frumpy she happens to see her husbands awe-struck stare and thinks to herself that from now on perhaps she should use her husband's eyes as her mirror. I have a hard time seeing beauty in the mirror but the way my husband looks at me reminds me that even in his shirt and stretch pants tired from a long day I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. I know I am lucky as all heck to have him :)

[BrightEyes]

You're going to love wrapping if this is the look you want! Mine looks like I've blow waved it with mousse and a round brush when I do it. I think now is the best time to learn the technique too since it's not easy and all the ladies I saw on youtube tutorials had SL or shorter hair which might make it easier?

My DH likes my hair with that 1a "sheet of hair" flatironed look best, so once every blue moon I'll wear it that way for a special occasion since I know he loves it but 99% of the time my hair is for me :) He wasn't sure on me going dye free either since he liked the soft black/dark brown I used to colour it but he said he liked my "auburn tresses" the other day - I didn't even know he knew that word :laugh: Now to convince him Classic length won't look "freaky"... I guess partners don't like the idea of a change in how you look since they already think you're the most beautiful person in the world so any change would be bad?

I definitely need to look in to wrapping, that sounds lovely! Thank you.

I also think change is hard. I also wonder if he just can't picture me with long hair, since I've never had it.

[BrightEyes]

The scene is wife walking down the staris dressed for a formal event, as she is feeling nervous and rather frumpy she happens to see her husbands awe-struck stare and thinks to herself that from now on perhaps she should use her husband's eyes as her mirror. I have a hard time seeing beauty in the mirror but the way my husband looks at me reminds me that even in his shirt and stretch pants tired from a long day I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. I know I am lucky as all heck to have him :)

Oh that is so wonderful! My DH does look at me like that from time to time (and some of those times have been when my hair wasn't heat styled). But I quickly think things like "Oh no, what's wrong with me? Do I have a booger?" Or my mind goes to my imperfections.

I just need to accept his looks and compliments for what they are, and be grateful for such a loving man.

Thank you:flower:

[kallarina]

My lovely SO has told me on many occasions that he loves my hair collarbone length. My hair is tailbone length, and I'm continuing on to classic and who knows beyond that. He finally told me that my hair doesn't matter, and he does think its beautiful long, he just talks about it being short because that's how it was when we met. He also thinks it's excessively long and hates when I wear buns. But I don't tell him how to do his hair. He shaves it all off every couple of months. So he does his thing and I do mine. It bothered me for awhile how unsupportive he seemed to be, but he wasn't trying to be unsupportive. He was trying to communicate. No big deal.

[BrightEyes]

My lovely SO has told me on many occasions that he loves my hair collarbone length. My hair is tailbone length, and I'm continuing on to classic and who knows beyond that. He finally told me that my hair doesn't matter, and he does think its beautiful long, he just talks about it being short because that's how it was when we met. He also thinks it's excessively long and hates when I wear buns. But I don't tell him how to do his hair. He shaves it all off every couple of months. So he does his thing and I do mine. It bothered me for awhile how unsupportive he seemed to be, but he wasn't trying to be unsupportive. He was trying to communicate. No big deal.

Your hair is beautiful!

My DH told me the same thing, that when I have short hair it reminds him of when we met and fell in love. That is really cute, but we met almost 10 years ago. We've since been married, had two children along with many ups and downs. Our relationship has changed, expanded and grown. I just feel like me wanting to change my hair should be natural too.

[kallarina]

Your hair is beautiful!

My DH told me the same thing, that when I have short hair it reminds him of when we met and fell in love. That is really cute, but we met almost 10 years ago. We've since been married, had two children along with many ups and downs. Our relationship has changed, expanded and grown. I just feel like me wanting to change my hair should be natural too.

Thank you!! :D I love your hair, I'm sure its only going to get more stunning with length.
Yes, change is natural. And if your DH is anything like my darling lover, he will love it when it happens. He is used to what he knows, so anything else seems foreign and bad right now. I'm just certain that he will learn to love the changes you make, even if it takes him some time to adjust from that image he holds so dear.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Brighteyes, you don't need to talk to DH about your hair, you can talk to us about it.

As an aside, my DH has told me for years that I don't suit long hair and that he would prefer me to have short hair. Last week he told me that my hair is looking really pretty! That really made my day - he is not one to give out compliments usually!

[BrightEyes]

Thank you!! :D I love your hair, I'm sure its only going to get more stunning with length.
Yes, change is natural. And if your DH is anything like my darling lover, he will love it when it happens. He is used to what he knows, so anything else seems foreign and bad right now. I'm just certain that he will learn to love the changes you make, even if it takes him some time to adjust from that image he holds so dear.

I hope so. Thank you:blossom:

[kallarina]

Don't fret, BrightEyes! Plenty of us here have SO's who aren't as enthusiastic about long hair as we are. You aren't alone!

[BrightEyes]

Brighteyes, you don't need to talk to DH about your hair, you can talk to us about it.

As an aside, my DH has told me for years that I don't suit long hair and that he would prefer me to have short hair. Last week he told me that my hair is looking really pretty! That really made my day - he is not one to give out compliments usually!

Thank you:) The LHC is awesome!

Aww, thanks for sharing your story. That is so cute. I hope my DH will adjust to my hair as it grows and think it pretty too.

[BrightEyes]

Don't fret, BrightEyes! Plenty of us here have SO's who aren't as enthusiastic about long hair as we are. You aren't alone!

That is very comforting. It's so nice to know I'm not alone:)

[spirals]

Yes, I have been surprised to learn that there are men who don't like long hair. But maybe when it's long he'll change his mind. As for straightening, maybe you two can get used to waves over time. I had to get used to my curls and now I love them.

[BrightEyes]

Yes, I have been surprised to learn that there are men who don't like long hair. But maybe when it's long he'll change his mind. As for straightening, maybe you two can get used to waves over time. I had to get used to my curls and now I love them.

He likes my hair when I curl it with steam rollers, but he doesn't think it's as pretty as when it is straight. I've even noticed he doesn't touch and play with it as often now that I don't heat style as much:( I hope he will get used to me having curly (or bunned) hair, especially as it grows longer.

After reading this thread I am feeling much better about sticking to my guns to keep heat styling to special occasions only:D